“I pick a moon dog. Well you can radiate everything you are. Yes you can radiate everything you are.
Ooh. I roll a stoney. Well you can imitate everyone you know. Yes you can imitate everyone you know”
- the Beatles
this past weekend i came out.
i’ve been telling myself and some of my close friend that i have asperger’s but i had never told anyone as a real, serious statement until last weekend. it feels right and from what i know about asperger’s i think it mostly fits… but disability identities are tricky. i mean how can i identify as having a specific disability if i don’t have a medical diagnosis. but then again why should a medical diagnosis matter when looking at a disability from beyond the medical model? i’m not even sure if i want an official medical diagnosis.
as a gender queer i have strongly opposed using a medical diagnosis to describe my relationship with gender. although i’ve talked to some trans people who like having the label of gender identity disorder to feel legitimated. in my situation it doesn’t feel like a disorder- its just my expression of gender within a very complicated gender spectrum.
but then again having a little bit of proof would be nice. it’s hard to be on the edge of an identity. even with my gender queer identity i’m constantly worried that people may think i’m not transgendered enough when i identify as trans for simplicity. people generally call me “he”. when i get asked my pronoun preference that is generally the one i pick because i think it fits better. but i worry that i’m not masculine enough to warrant “he” that one day someone will protest and tell me it’s ridiculous that i should expect people to refer to me that way. if i start to identify more as having asperger’s i worry that people will say i’m not disabled enough, that if i have asperger’s it doesn’t “substantially limit major life activities” like a disability should by the legal definition.
i go back and forth. sometimes i think having a doctor or psychologist just just tell me i’m trans will make things easier. then i’ll know to just start taking testosterone and be a man instead of the middle ground i currently occupy. similarly an asperger’s diagnosis would certify that it’s a real identity. it would alleviate my fear that i may just be trying to co-opt a disability identity. diagnoses are good for making you feel justified.
but the problem with diagnoses is that they are too black and white. they work well for some things- either you have the flu or not. and they work well for some disabilities- not to say i am a proponent of the medical model for viewing disability even in some circumstances. but for someone on the spectrum- of gender or autism- its hard to pick a yes/no point. i’m sure doctors can do it- if i exhibit a certain amount of traits to a certain degree then i can earn the label certainly if it can be proven that i am “subtantially limited” by my asperger’s…. but for my situation that all seems so contrived.and besides i hate doctors (i haven’t been to one in over a year). and i beleive that identities don’t have to be proven by some doctor’s standards or some silly arbitrary tests. the real human experience is beyond checked boxes. i know all that.
mostly i’m ok with just being weird but it sure would be nice to really be a part of the disability community and share disability pride. they don’t have too many weirdo communities and i haven’t seen too many mentionings of weird pride. maybe i should just start my own group- weirdos that could be on the autism spectrum unite!
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[...] people can rightfully have a disability identity when being excluded from the disability community. Bladyblog bravely ponders his disability identity and talks about living on the margins of queer and [...]
props to you on writing your first ever blog post on something so personal, so raw, so important.
Excellent post.
The autistic community has a word for “weirdos who could be on the autistic spectrum” but who, for whatever reason, may not fit into a specific ASD diagnosis. That word is “cousin.” As Jim Sinclair wrote in “History of A[utism] N[etwork] I[nternational]:
“Another development during the 1993 conference was the recognition of a new segment of the ANI community, and the adoption of a new term to refer to it. One of the people who had been corresponding with ANI members online, and was attending this conference to meet with us in person for the first time, was not autistic. He had hydrocephalus, another congenital neurological abnormality. In our online discussions he had been noticing many similarities between his experiences and characteristics as a person with hydrocephalus, and the experiences and characteristics of autistic people. At the conference he met Kathy, who was not online at the time and did not know who he was. He introduced himself to her, explaining that he was interested in exploring similarities between himself and autistic people. He briefly summarized the effects of hydrocephalus in his life. Kathy considered this for a moment, and then warmly exclaimed ‘Cousin!’ (Cousins, 1993). From that time on, the term “cousin” has been used within ANI to refer to a non-autistic person who has some other significant social and communication abnormalities that render him or her significantly ‘autistic-like.’ The broader term ‘AC,’meaning ‘autistics and cousins,’ emerged soon afterward.”
“Cousin” also includes people who have characteristics of autism, but who don’t feel they “substantially limit major life activities.”
Hey, just found you (via cripchick).
Genderqueer (of the “neutral”/”indifferent” variety) Aspie here. I went through a fairly long thought process about labelling, that parallels yours in quite a few ways.
An article i found very helpful and sense-making when i was just beginning to self-identify as on the spectrum and wondering whether to seek diagnosis or not: http://mjane.zolaweb.com/label.html (most of the rest of the stuff on her website i found highly illuminating as well…)
Also there seem to be quite a few people on the transmasculine spectrum who are also on the AS spectrum as well (one who comes to mind: http://queerpup.livejournal.com)
anyway, i hope you keep blogging, and i’ll bookmark your blog…