identity theft
“I pick a moon dog. Well you can radiate everything you are. Yes you can radiate everything you are.
Ooh. I roll a stoney. Well you can imitate everyone you know. Yes you can imitate everyone you know”
- the Beatles
this past weekend i came out.
i’ve been telling myself and some of my close friend that i have asperger’s but i had never told anyone as a real, serious statement until last weekend. it feels right and from what i know about asperger’s i think it mostly fits… but disability identities are tricky. i mean how can i identify as having a specific disability if i don’t have a medical diagnosis. but then again why should a medical diagnosis matter when looking at a disability from beyond the medical model? i’m not even sure if i want an official medical diagnosis.
as a gender queer i have strongly opposed using a medical diagnosis to describe my relationship with gender. although i’ve talked to some trans people who like having the label of gender identity disorder to feel legitimated. in my situation it doesn’t feel like a disorder- its just my expression of gender within a very complicated gender spectrum.
but then again having a little bit of proof would be nice. it’s hard to be on the edge of an identity. even with my gender queer identity i’m constantly worried that people may think i’m not transgendered enough when i identify as trans for simplicity. people generally call me “he”. when i get asked my pronoun preference that is generally the one i pick because i think it fits better. but i worry that i’m not masculine enough to warrant “he” that one day someone will protest and tell me it’s ridiculous that i should expect people to refer to me that way. if i start to identify more as having asperger’s i worry that people will say i’m not disabled enough, that if i have asperger’s it doesn’t “substantially limit major life activities” like a disability should by the legal definition.
i go back and forth. sometimes i think having a doctor or psychologist just just tell me i’m trans will make things easier. then i’ll know to just start taking testosterone and be a man instead of the middle ground i currently occupy. similarly an asperger’s diagnosis would certify that it’s a real identity. it would alleviate my fear that i may just be trying to co-opt a disability identity. diagnoses are good for making you feel justified.
but the problem with diagnoses is that they are too black and white. they work well for some things- either you have the flu or not. and they work well for some disabilities- not to say i am a proponent of the medical model for viewing disability even in some circumstances. but for someone on the spectrum- of gender or autism- its hard to pick a yes/no point. i’m sure doctors can do it- if i exhibit a certain amount of traits to a certain degree then i can earn the label certainly if it can be proven that i am “subtantially limited” by my asperger’s…. but for my situation that all seems so contrived.and besides i hate doctors (i haven’t been to one in over a year). and i beleive that identities don’t have to be proven by some doctor’s standards or some silly arbitrary tests. the real human experience is beyond checked boxes. i know all that.
mostly i’m ok with just being weird but it sure would be nice to really be a part of the disability community and share disability pride. they don’t have too many weirdo communities and i haven’t seen too many mentionings of weird pride. maybe i should just start my own group- weirdos that could be on the autism spectrum unite!
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[...] people can rightfully have a disability identity when being excluded from the disability community. Bladyblog bravely ponders his disability identity and talks about living on the margins of queer and [...]
props to you on writing your first ever blog post on something so personal, so raw, so important.