Dear bladyblog

Dear bladyblog,

Hi its me again, Ryan, the person that wrote a little something here a long time ago. I’m sure you thought I was gone forever, never to post again. To be honest I also thought that might be true. I’m finding blogging to be intimidating– for one it seems like anything I could possibly say is already out there somewhere in this huge blogosphere.  The other part is the raw exposure. The pure nudity to anyone that randomly google seaches–anything. But fear not, bladyblog, you are not foresaken. I am back with more senseless rambles that I will immediately feel inclined to erase and then not want to look at for several weeks and then attempt to forget I wrote or ever had a blog for that matter, but then feel guilty about leaving you behind, and then shamefully crawl back to you. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. A google search of “I’m too scared to blog” will probably pull up 1,245 other blogging whiners. So I will push forward and shut up.

Thanks for being here bladyblog.

Yours for right now,

Ryan

identity theft

“I  pick a moon dog. Well you can radiate everything you are. Yes you can radiate everything you are.

Ooh. I roll a stoney. Well you can imitate everyone you know. Yes you can imitate everyone you know”
- the Beatles

this past weekend i came out.

i’ve been telling myself and some of my close friend that i have asperger’s but i had never told anyone as a real, serious statement until last weekend. it feels right and from what i know about asperger’s i think it mostly fits… but disability identities are tricky. i mean how can i identify as having a specific disability if i don’t have a medical diagnosis. but then again why should a medical diagnosis matter when looking at a disability from beyond the medical model? i’m not even sure if i want an official medical diagnosis.

as a gender queer i have strongly opposed using a medical diagnosis to describe my relationship with gender. although i’ve talked to some trans people who like having the label of gender identity disorder to feel legitimated. in my situation it doesn’t feel like a disorder- its just my expression of gender within a very complicated gender spectrum.

but then again having a little bit of proof would be nice. it’s hard to be on the edge of an identity. even with my gender queer identity i’m constantly worried that people may think i’m not transgendered enough when i identify as trans for simplicity. people generally call me “he”. when i get asked my pronoun preference that is generally the one i pick because i think it fits better. but i worry that i’m not masculine enough to warrant “he” that one day someone will protest and tell me it’s ridiculous that i should expect people to refer to me that way. if i start to identify more as having asperger’s i worry that people will say i’m not disabled enough, that if i have asperger’s it doesn’t “substantially limit major life activities” like a disability should by the legal definition.

i go back and forth. sometimes i think having a doctor or psychologist just just tell me i’m trans will make things easier. then i’ll know to just start taking testosterone and be a man instead of the middle ground i currently occupy. similarly an asperger’s diagnosis would certify that it’s a real identity. it would alleviate my fear that i may just be trying to co-opt a disability identity. diagnoses are good for making you feel justified.

but the problem with diagnoses is that they are too black and white. they work well for some things- either you have the flu or not. and they work well for some disabilities- not to say i am a proponent of the medical model for viewing disability even in some circumstances. but for someone on the spectrum- of gender or autism- its hard to pick a yes/no point. i’m sure doctors can do it- if i exhibit a certain amount of traits to a certain degree then i can earn the label certainly if it can be proven that i am “subtantially limited” by my asperger’s…. but for my situation that all seems so contrived.and besides i hate doctors (i haven’t been to one in over a year). and i beleive that identities don’t have to be proven by some doctor’s standards or some silly arbitrary tests. the real human experience is beyond checked boxes. i know all that.

mostly i’m ok with just being weird but it sure would be nice to really be a part of the disability community and share disability pride. they don’t have too many weirdo communities and i haven’t seen too many mentionings of weird pride. maybe i should just start my own group- weirdos that could be on the autism spectrum unite!

welcome to bladyblog

Hello to anyone who has had the misfortune to stumble on this blog. You will find in your readings of this site that I am flying off the seat of my pants, additionally,  I will continue to misquote common expressions throughout postings on this blog.

In fact the reason I am blogging in the first place is because I promised my friend I would start a blog if I got this job and I got the job last February.  And I am an individual of my word. However, I am not a prompt individual of my word.  Sorry about that, anonymous friend.

But I must say that I am self-motivated to start this blog as well. I mean blogging is something I don’t know much about but I have to say I’m intrigued by its power and influence over the feeble minded. (evil laughter)

Man I have to say that I am a bit nervous about this whole process.

So here it goes.  Welcome to Bladyblog.

Ryan